June 17, 2024

Author’s note: this is not a real competition – that’s just something I made up for the purposes of this article. Just pretend what follows is true and everything will be fine.

Tickets for Latics’ potentially title-clinching encounter with Blackpool on 30 April are currently the equivalent of a tangerine voucher for a lifetime’s supply of pie barms.

And last week on AGL, we posed the question: “what would you do for a Blackpool client code?”

We received precisely 32½ responses, most of which are too lewd to be printed in fanzine website such as this. But we are now able to reveal the ones sensible enough to slip through the moral colander.

“For a Blackpool client code, I would…”

Relinquish the final crisp in the packet, which is widely accepted as the tastiest, most flavoursome of all.

Camp outside the DW Stadium ticket office at 9pm on Friday evening with a portable stove and ukulele for impromptu choruses of ‘Kumbaya’… only to be shifted by security at 9.05pm.

Sit on the phone from 7am on Saturday to jump the 45-minute queue and win the ticket numbered 0001… only to be cut off at 10.05 due to ‘high volume of calls’.

Run through Bolton town centre wearing nothing but a Wigan Athletic shirt. On a Sunday morning. When they’re holding a 1,000-participant charity run. And a continental food market. And a…

Buy a [branded candy bar deleted] Bar (other vaguely candy-like combinations of congealed floor sweepings are available).

Plant Gary Caldwell’s 12-month anniversary custard cake right on his conk.

Celebrate with Marc-Antoine Fortune when he scores the winning goal for Coventry against Wigan on Saturday.

Sit in the uncovered front row of the East Stand during a torrential rainstorm wearing shades, shorts and a t-shirt.

Appear on BBC Radio Manchester and answer difficult questions about my pet bulldog and the possibility of free Jagerbombs for all season ticket holders.

*Author’s note no. 2: I cannot be held responsible for anyone that actually goes and does any of these things, or indeed anyone that already has.

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