June 16, 2024

Happy New Week, Latisticians. Because I’m a poor writer and can’t generate 400 words of original content without resorting to random sentence generation software, here is a selection of New Year’s messages stolen from social networking Internet website trollfacebook.com.

Horizontal ruleAt 12:01AM on 1 January 2017, LatikAsthmatic wrote:
”Happy New Ye- hey, why hasn’t Warren signed anyone yet? Get to work you sl”

(Ed.: Presumably that last part was sliced off by a restrictive character limit or automatic censorship algorithm. However, I’m fairly sure the final words would have been ‘slick operator’.)

Horizontal ruleAt 12:33AM on 1 January 2017, DavidQSharpmeister (verified account) wrote:
“Should all car painters, beef or cotton, never brought to mine… HIC! Hippy Nude Beer, burble.”

(Ed.: This message was deleted five minutes later along with a second post claiming that Manchester United had made a £3,000,000 bid for Will Grigg. Also attached to the latter was a photograph of a white bull terrier wearing a Santa hat. Er… allegedly.)

Horizontal ruleAt 12:45AM on 1 January 2017, Panicked Wildshots wrote:
”Wigan Athletic still unbeaten this calendar year! Also: I still haven’t taken a bath this year.”

(Ed.: Sorry…)

Horizontal ruleAt 1:23PM on 1 January 2017, GarethOurColdwall wrote:

(Ed.: That wasn’t me, but Gareth’s own editor removing the words ‘I still could have done a better job’. And I have no idea who this mysterious Gaz Coldwall dude/dudette might actually be.)

Horizontal ruleAt 4:17PM on 1 January 2017, Raphael Mutant-Turtlezz wrote:
“Me and what army? Me and Diame – Momo Diame. Fact.”

(Ed.: This was in response to Brighton fans questioning Newcastle’s ability to win the Championship title this year. Well, I thought it was funny.)

Horizontal ruleWell, that was the easiest article I’ll ever ‘write’. Keep on being obnoxious, Trollfacebook – it saves me a job. Now clear off while I nurse this lemonade and diet cola hangover with liquidised carrots and extra cripsy baconated cheese.

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