Jesus Was a Wiganer

Month: February 2017

  • Wigan 0 Nottingham Forest 0: Mud wrestling season

    Ah, that most wonderful time of year again. Time to carefully extract that bucket and spade from your garage’s Jenga pile for a spot of mud castle building at DW Beach? Yew betcha, sonny. While Sharpy dials up Instapitch for a takeaway surface with sweet ‘n’ sour sand and grit dip, you can all thank […]

  • More Wigan Athletic fake news headlines

    “Morsy’s magical sweatband stolen and held to ransom for seven copies of 2013 FA Cup Final DVD and a Man United-Wigan half and half scarf.” – The Beano Annual 1976 “Sharpe to name new £7million gourmet pastry restaurant ‘The Galloping Ostrich’ in honour of Yanic Wildschut.” – Oh The Pastybilities Pastry News “Max Power changes […]

  • QPR 2 Wigan 1: Sold a lemon

    Ah, you made it beyond AGL’s new paywall! Congratulations, and thank you for your payment of an Uncle Joe’s Mint Ball. I am here to tell you all about the QPR-Latics game, the latest chapter of a sporting rivalry so- Get the new I’m Screwed, It’s A Fix catalogue from your local magazine stockist! Now […]

  • Wigan 0 Preston 0: The Final Poutdown

    Are all the Wiganers gone now? Good, because I fear today is the day I am finally forced out of this town on a one-toothed mule named Yanic. Here goes… As ever, King Warren is correct in his Coyle*-stirring. (*Rude word substituted for… something far more vulgar.) At the risk of offending those with the […]

  • Wolves 0 Wigan 1: Valentine’s roulette

    The question most asked this St. Valentine’s Day? Nope, it isn’t ‘why on Earth did you bring me to the Poundsavah cafe again?’ But something much more difficult to answer. Ah, you guessed right at the second attempt! It is indeed: “who is Wigan Athletic’s primary penalty taker?” So much time has passed since their […]

  • Fulham 3 Wigan 2: All a dream?

    “Fulham v Wigan? Well, you may as well go and paint the pantry, alphabetise your BBC Micro type-in games collection or ride your ostrich to Maastricht because that’s a certain draw right there.” But what if it wasn’t? What if certain individuals contrived to defy convention and each of this land’s ancient laws to manufacture […]

  • Wigan 2 Norwich 2: Double Bogle

    “Friday night game? Wooh yeah, extended weekend!” But when King Wozzer emerged from that three-day break, one glimpse of the Daily Fail shot a large wad of chewing gum straight down his oesphagus and right through his colon. It wouldn’t be so weird for *all* your nearest rivals to win – if you were chasing […]

  • Wigan 0 Sheffield Wednesday 1: Grab a Grand

    Tulips flower so brightly for all too short a time, while clogs toast so nicely upon the wood burning stove for an even shorter time. Aye, austerity in Wigan is a right pain in the Wildschut, in’t it? Ahh, the transfer window. You might run for those borders and the safety of Horwich, or you […]