July 15, 2024
Used car salesman


Used car salesman
“I’ve got two League One points for the price of three, buddy…”

Melicitations, merry mentlegen! It’s Mid-Table March here at Meshuga Mel’s League One Discount Motors, and do we have the delightfully demented deals for you.

[Theme from mid-90s UK TV game show ‘Trivial Pursuit with Tony Slattery’ begins to play.]

Can I interest you in this sturdy 1985 Nissan Peterborough? Ah, maybe this weekend, you say? No problem – I’ve got a stunning Toyota Bradford right over here. It still has all its own window winders and everything!

More of an automatic chap, eh? Alright, how about this MkII Swindon complete with Sky Sports Snooze monitor on the dashboard? Oh, wait… where’s the car gone? It *was* here but I think someone has moved it…

Never mind! I’ve got thi- what, you’re interested in this Ford Millwall? Well, there’s no way I can sell you that for more than £6,000. Och, it would be criminal!

You really want it? Alright, but I have to warn you it isn’t part of the Mid Table March Madness offer – this is the fifth best car on our forecourt…

[Click of TV remote.]

Enough of the blasted pre-roll adverts! I wasn’t aware these Beamback broadcasts were provided by YouTube. And if I ever meet that Mad Mel mon I’ll stuff a petrol pump up his carburetor…

Jules Rimet Still Beaming

At least I could take comfort in the stifling hot lounge… the DW Stadium South Stand Lounge, that is. The ‘posh’ lounge with three projector screens, two bars and a mini-refectory with pies of varying exotic flavours… which just about made up for those guys in the front row blocking everyone’s view of the game. Why is it that the ones with the tallest haircuts *have* to sit right in front?

Smoking in the cinema
There’s always one, ain’t there?

You do realise I have just invalidated every opinion I am about to spout at you? “Oh yeah, he couldn’t see the action properly. Don’t trust anything he says.”

Anyhow, the game itself boiled down to a tussle between the men in black (well, yellow) and the man in white. Not Will Smith & Tommy Lee Jones and the Archangel Gabriel, but Lee Collins and Jussi Takeyourtime-then. Oh sorry, I meant Jaaskelainen. (Also note how I didn’t cut ‘n’ paste his name that time – he’s becoming as household as Jif.)

The Graceful Red

The ref’s execution was centimetre perfect – the way he slid those cards in and out of his pocket demonstrated such economy of movement. Almost as soon as the red one was thrust in Sam Morsy’s face, it was back in the safety of his (well-worn) back pocket.

Though it is arguable that the first of our defender-cum-midfielder’s yellows was unwarranted, it is also arguable that David Icke is a shape-shifting alien. I dunno what I mean by that, but hey, at least he wasn’t sent off for being kicked in the shin, as Fernando Forestieri was for Sheff Wed on Friday.

Split car
“It’s no use, boss – Morsy has kicked this clean in two.”

In truth, however, the hosts had (just about) been in charge beforehand. The Latics penalty area was all atangle with heels and limbs thanks to some rushed distribution and miscommunication, almost resulting in Jussi rolling a stray ‘Wall attacker in on goal.

From then on, the Latics keeper vowed to slow things down… and down, and down and down. And amazingly, the referee forgot to book him!

Morison Roulette

(I know it’s a bad heading. It’s supposed to be… I think.)

But in the second half, the Lions’ shooting compass was smashed to little pieces, much like the water bottle that Morsy booted into the dugout as he ambled towards the tunnel, utterly disgusted with life in general.

The attempts that just so happened to be directed at goal, from Morison (2), Wallace, Gregory and Abdou, were all expertly fielded by the flying Finn. He’s forty, duncheknow… but you coulda fooled me.

The South Stand’s greatest cheer of the evening? When Latics won a corner in the 90th minute, which was welcome respite from the relentless barrage of Millwall free kicks, throw-ins and corners. At this stage, every bit as good as a goal or free cheese pie.

Finnish juice
To the man of the match, the finest Finnish juice.

Joe Martin had grazed the outside of Jussi’s invincible post on 78 minutes, while Morison smashed agonisingly wide on 85. Add to that a tiptop-tacular double parry from The Juicy One, and you have every right to believe this ought to have been the home side’s three points.

But believe nothing more than this: the force is with Latics. Bring on the *actual* Mid Table March! But not Mad Mel and his eminently slappable chops.

Wait a minute, what’s this video doing on YouTube? Uh oh, looks like they caught me heading back from the DW…

(It was the, er, Russian part of Wigan…)

Match highlights courtesy @Laticsoffical

 Second opinion

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