When I heard Latics were playing Fleetwood Town this weekend, I thought, “my cod! What a brilliant op-perch–tuna-ty to embellish my whiting with some crappie puns”. Fleetwood is famously the fish and chip capital of the north, and since David ‘Frites Haute Cuisine’ Sharpe has a much-publicised soft spot for upmarket fried pollack, I thought I might take the bait for the halibut.
Now you’ve had a chance to mullet over, I’m sure the idea has you hooked. But there is no sense in me carping on about it, because one school of thought suggests match reports ought to be about football matches as opposed to the fried dirt they serve with newsprint in so-called chipperies bloater-ing your unfortunate stomach in 2015.
Sturgeon General’s warning: pun overload imminent
One Latics season ticket holder headed straight from the chip shop to his usual seat in the East Stand, only to discover he would actually be starting the game. Yes, it was right there on the o-fish-al team sheet – number 15, Jordan Flores! And thus began a perfectly scripted Rudyard Kipling folk tale as one man took on a whole (Cod) army with but a fillet knife… and emerged the celebrated victor.
The opening paragraphs were filled with frustrating exposition, as Jordy Hiwula *just* failed to turn the page in time to net one of his two po-tench-ial scoring chances. The second was a difficult reflex volley, but the first can be described as a reel gaff – shinning the ball sideways might be an acceptable excuse for a cross, but since this was supposed to be an attempt on goal, he’ll be… well, gutted. You know, like a fish. Ahem.
But Fleetwood only managed to kipper lid on our hometown he-roe for 38 minutes. When turbot-charged Jacobs sliced a ball across the face, Jordan ‘Wanavaronne’ Flores was in just the right plaice to burst Chris Maxwell’s net and send the decibel level off the scale. Suddenly he wasn’t so bothered that someone had spilled something sticky all over his season ticket seat at the recent Wigan v Hull rugby league game. Heh, I can tell you it’s a right pain in the bass when that happens.
Fresh from an invigorating cup of half time char, Latics were exuding more than a whiff of confidence. Reece James was scampi-ring down the left wing, and one tidy pass later, Michael Jacobs sent Maxwell drifting five miles in the wrong direction. Another catch for the haul now certainly worth a few squid… or at least three League One points.
However, a double substitution and one right good pollacking would serve to power up the Fleetwood sucker punch. (Yeah, er, you can catch bass by punching them, right? *Right*!?) Though Antoni Sarcevic could only ram his free kick into the wall, Tyler Hornby-Forbes took great delight in poaching the subsequent deflection as Richard O’Donnell floundered.
Make a note: Latics had conceded at home in the league for the first time this season. See, I even gave that factoid its own non-fishy paragraph! Geez, I’ll be publishing Motty-esque trivia books next…
Keen to prove this was no fluke, the visitors were angling for a speedy equaliser. Bobby Grant and Jamie Proctor dug in their eels to fashion opportunities, even if the net result wasn’t necessarily favourable.
But with time ebbing away, Fleetwood were increasingly liable to vacate their defensive post. Sub striker Sanmi Odelusi *could* have capitalised on this fact to krill the game in the 88th minute, but only succeeded in knocking corner flag into advertising hoarding… almost literally. Hey, we’ll spare him the flak as he didn’t do it on porpoise.
As a result, the visitors were awarded one final chance to reel in their pouting opponents with a short range stab in the last of six (six? Six? Gasp, six!) added minutes. I’m not sure what happened as I closed my eyes at this point, but nobody was celebrating so I assume David Ball missed to the left. A bit fishy, if you ask me.
Alright, I’ll admit I’ve run out of fish puns. But I’ll predict Monday’s local newspaper headline right now, and you owe me a fish supper if I’m right. Deal?
OK, here it is, Mr Editor: “COD ARMY FRIED.”
Match highlights courtesy @Laticso-fish-al
JWAW would like to thank the Uncyclopedia for many of the fish puns utilised in this ‘article’. And yes, all the italicised words are either real fish or fish-related terms. You can even look them up… but not on Wikipedia, because I think I read there that Leslie Ash was a trout or something.
Oh yes, and if you can think of any batter fish puns, let minnow.