Tag: Championship
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Burton 0 Wigan 2: Golden Knights
Alright, so despite the hammyteur Twitter meteorologists’ predictions, it never did snow in Burton upon Trent today. But on Friday morning, the Met Office (presumably a wild new joint venture of the Metro newspaper and the Post Office) issued ‘yellow warnings’ of ice in Staffordshire. From this we can only assume that the county’s dog […]
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Wigan 0 Huddersfield 1: Say you want a resolution?
It’s gone, guys. 2016 has just been lost to the greatest monster of all, the omnipotent and most certainly malevolent entity that keeps the Grim Reaper in check: Master Time. There he lurches amidst the dugout’s stony silence, his expressionless face barely cracking through mindless mumbling and guttural grumbling. …But enough about Graham Barrow. And […]
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Derby 0 Wigan 0: Sponge blustered
Idiot’s guide to human society: shamelessly flog your insufferable crud to people who don’t want it for many more buttons than they can feasibly afford. Idiot’s guide to the football transfer window: shamelessly flog your crud to people who don’t want it for ma- well, you get the picture. Come now! Gird the loins of […]
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Rotherham 3 Wigan 2: Fairytale of New York
Enjoying your pristine boxed copy of International Superstar FIFA Fever Pitch Striker for the Segabox Supertendo? I thought so – it is, after all, the most sought after computerma-vidja game of Christmas 2016. Allegedly, Lionel Messi queued for ten hours outside his local Poundsavah (Buenos Aires) to get it, fighting off two old ladies and […]
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Wigan 2 Ipswich 3: There is no Santa Claus
Welcome, my dear Laticians, to the Margarine Zone. Moments before your freshly buttered slice of lovingly-prepared toast hits the filth-encrusted kitchen floor with a sickening bliff-spludge, you have a very brief opportunity to prevent the seemingly inescapable. If you actually manage to grab the toast, you feel incredible for the rest of the day. You […]
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Wigan 0 Newcastle 2: Wigan is Black and White
Guest intro by George Orwell’s Millennial grandson (AKA me). We’re not supposed to talk about 2014-15. We’re expected to pretend it never existed under threat of extreme consequences. And goodness knows your average small time Internet weblogger would rather be writing about Gary Caldwell’s jumpers and Jordi Gomez’s beard right now. But I really wish […]
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Aston Villa 1 Wigan 0: Monster monster
Two short years ago, the Championship was a ruddy tough league. So what does that make it now? A voracious beast fuelled by a gruesome stew of broiled fifty pence pieces and minced five pound notes? Each of its seven mutant legs commits a foul simultaneously, and a bleary-eyed, damp-groined referee daren’t penalise a single […]
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Wigan 0 Derby 1: Delayed gratification
Phew, I’m finally back at the ‘office’! Please excuse the cartoon-esque marks on my clothes and scruffiness of my hair. Also apologies for the lateness of this ‘report’ – I have only just arrived back in Wigan after being rerouted via Rainford, Liverpool Lime Street, Southport and Preston train stations. That bridge collapse at Wigan […]
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Huddersfield 1 Wigan 2: Tools of cruel deceit
That’s it, I’m done forever. I hereby renounce my faith in statistics, and encourage anyone with a fondness for this gentle sport to do the very same. Say it along with me now: “I refuse to analyse football in a mathematical or scientific manner. I will no longer attempt to quantify the patently unquantifiable, nor […]