Month: December 2016
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Derby 0 Wigan 0: Sponge blustered
Idiot’s guide to human society: shamelessly flog your insufferable crud to people who don’t want it for many more buttons than they can feasibly afford. Idiot’s guide to the football transfer window: shamelessly flog your crud to people who don’t want it for ma- well, you get the picture. Come now! Gird the loins of […]
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Rotherham 3 Wigan 2: Fairytale of New York
Enjoying your pristine boxed copy of International Superstar FIFA Fever Pitch Striker for the Segabox Supertendo? I thought so – it is, after all, the most sought after computerma-vidja game of Christmas 2016. Allegedly, Lionel Messi queued for ten hours outside his local Poundsavah (Buenos Aires) to get it, fighting off two old ladies and […]
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Alternative Match Highlights – Wigan Athletic v Ipswich Town
Latics v Ipswich was a game that defied all logic. Why the insistence on goal scoring all of a sudden? And why such vitriol towards an unfortunate man that misplaced his contact lenses? Well, I think you know the answer to at least one of those supposedly rhetorical questions. But for everything else, here are […]
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Wigan 2 Ipswich 3: There is no Santa Claus
Welcome, my dear Laticians, to the Margarine Zone. Moments before your freshly buttered slice of lovingly-prepared toast hits the filth-encrusted kitchen floor with a sickening bliff-spludge, you have a very brief opportunity to prevent the seemingly inescapable. If you actually manage to grab the toast, you feel incredible for the rest of the day. You […]
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Football League Championship Tips and Cheats Guide
Is your team still under-performing? Are you hunting for crusty morsels in the darkest depths of the cockpit they call the relegation zone? Hopelessly toiling for a formation that will scrape you just enough points to try again next year? Then, good sir, you are in dire need of Soccercheats.con’s Championship tips and cheats guide. […]
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Wigan 0 Newcastle 2: Wigan is Black and White
Guest intro by George Orwell’s Millennial grandson (AKA me). We’re not supposed to talk about 2014-15. We’re expected to pretend it never existed under threat of extreme consequences. And goodness knows your average small time Internet weblogger would rather be writing about Gary Caldwell’s jumpers and Jordi Gomez’s beard right now. But I really wish […]
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Aston Villa 1 Wigan 0: Monster monster
Two short years ago, the Championship was a ruddy tough league. So what does that make it now? A voracious beast fuelled by a gruesome stew of broiled fifty pence pieces and minced five pound notes? Each of its seven mutant legs commits a foul simultaneously, and a bleary-eyed, damp-groined referee daren’t penalise a single […]
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The Ultimate Guide to the Perfect Booking by D. Perkins
Felicitations! I am Donald Perkins, not to be confused with a certain Wigan Athletic soccerist that happens to share my initial and surname. But much like my near namesake, I am indeed a master of the fine and ancient martial art known as booking fu. I have dedicated the past 30 years of my life […]
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Wigan 0 Derby 1: Delayed gratification
Phew, I’m finally back at the ‘office’! Please excuse the cartoon-esque marks on my clothes and scruffiness of my hair. Also apologies for the lateness of this ‘report’ – I have only just arrived back in Wigan after being rerouted via Rainford, Liverpool Lime Street, Southport and Preston train stations. That bridge collapse at Wigan […]
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The Martinez fallacy (2009-2016): In memoriam
“Football is a simple game, complicated by idiots in newspaper articles.” – Bill Shankly (paraphrased) It’s all over, ladies and gentlemen. When Dave-o Sharpe dispatched Gary ‘Kop Conqueror’ Caldwell with his final Rigalettos doggy bag, the Martinez line of succession officially ended. With the remaining branches finally hacked from Roberto’s family tree, a thrilling era […]