Tottenham 9(NINE)-1 Wigan: Cigar?

Got any aspirin?

Got any Scotch?

Remember on the old Saturday afternoon videprinter, whenever anyone scored more than six goals they used to spell it out in letters, as if to rub it in the faces of the losing team? Yeah, well, I’m glad they don’t uphold that custom anymore. Incidentally, I’ve done it in the title of this post, so if you’re a Wigan fan, don’t read it.

We’ve seen it so many times this season I really need not cite specific incidents. When Wigan go 2-0 down, it really could be any number against: we become so dejected and humiliated we stop caring and might as well be stood at the bar or playing Nintendo or something. Maybe we ought to have abandoned this afternoon as a bad project and conceded the game midway through the second half, because it really did become unnecessary torture.

The finger of blame naturally points at the defenders in situations such as this, and indeed Edman, Bramble and Boyce are mostly at fault for… well, at least seven goals. But we shall not dwell on that one too much, because for the really bad game the back four had it was more of a case of not being good enough. We really struggled to keep up with Lennon and Defoe for all ninety minutes, and were quite flattered by the half-time scoreline.

Actually, I do Wigan a little bit of a disservice in that respect. They fought well in the latter part of the first half and could have pinched one, but you know what? I don’t think it would have made a bit of difference, because Spurs would have got a hatful anyway.

We did manage to score somewhere in the middle of this, Paul Scharner squeezing one past Gomes when Latics were three — or was it four? — goals behind. It’s simply typical of the bloke’s arrogance that he should think he could be anywhere near as good as Thierry Henry and get away with a blatant handball… but he somehow did. No doubt that’ll inflate his ego to proportions so large his haircut will be scaring passing air traffic in Wigan next weekend. Though the passing movement in the buildup was pleasant and rather encouraging, it’s hardly worth mentioning, especially because we had to resort to foul methods to even get a shot on target in the second half.

At least we’ve sorted the issue of whether Figueroa will come straight back into the starting XI against Sunderland, and if you can’t work that out then maybe you should go back to your Subbuteo or shopping at Tesco or something.

Best to forget this afternoon ever happened… I’ve already prepared an alibi for Titus Bramble: he was having tea and watching cricket with me all afternoon. It was really rather spiffing, and he says we ought to do the same next Saturday at 3PM.

Screenshot from Hamlet advert copyright Hamlet.

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