July 15, 2024
Lawnmower Man

We don't have such technology in Wigan - we use nose hair trimmers.

Hot beer
As I always say, hot beer is better than warm beer. (c)Roger Price

Hey, fancy a John Smith’s warm-down? Nah, neither do I – the thought of hot beer doesn’t necessarily appeal for some reason. Plus it’s work in the morning and I can’t risk marrying a lamp-post on the way home again. Best forget all about it and stick to the bog standard post-match rant.

A-but first, here’s a surprise celebrity appearance from Statman, whom I have kidnapped from the PWU Podcast just for the following sliver of factual content. (Go on, you can say it now!)

“Before tonight, Wigan Athletic had never won at Huddersfield in the league. Thank you.”

Hey, that’s not what you were supposed to say! Wait, don’t leave yet, I demand a re-record. The script says ‘pot as many balls as you can’… ack, too late – he’s gone. Nonetheless, that was a surprising fact so I suppose he earned his jam doughnut with added mould. It’s one of your five a day, don’t you know.

Indeed, you think of the iconic moments in Latics history that took place in Huddersfield – namely the 2003 Div 2 Championship clincher and *that* incredulibous victory in 2013. But the former was only a 0-0 draw, while the latter was in the cup. Of course!

Now available for children’s parties

I think Statman used the same material in his Latics dressing room warmup act this evening, because the weight of a dozen combined draws and losses proved a backbreaking burden in the opening quarter of an hour. I knew we should have hired the guy that does the amusing balloon models. Not you, Mr Coyle, you can sit down again.

Anyhow, an alarming majority of passes successfully found some positively ungrateful ball boys. But Wigan recovered quicker than a certain Uruguayan striker *after* the referee has shown his ‘assailant’ a yellow bit of cardboard.

Alex Smithies swatted attempts from The Delort-ian and Perchinho from right in front of his face as the visitors took to the next 25 minutes like, erm, a certain aforementioned South American football team. I won’t say which one, but will credit Scott Carson for an expert groin block from Nakhi Wells and note the Wigan defenders’ Grobbelaar jelly legs. If pushed, I would say it most closely resembled the, er… Trinidad and Tobago national side?

Man, scoring at other teams’ home grounds is harder than the Chinese driving theory test if you’ve only ever driven one of those office chairs on wheels! Allegedly.

Stay away from my lawn!

Lawnmower Man
We don’t have such technology in Wigan – we use nose hair trimmers.

Callum McManaman is a great boon for any Championship side, but the Ribena used to fuel him generally runs out. This evening it was 62 minutes before the vye-tamins were exhausted, and Rosler wasn’t about to nip down to the newsagents for some more – once you’ve left the stadium they refuse to let you back in due to an archaic law regarding blackcurrant quotas in northern football stadiums.

After a brief period of acclimatisation, Wigan reclaimed the opposition half in the name of Lancashire. Except now, the sharp pointy blades were adorned with Health and Safety brand plastic, and The Terriers simply laughed as each stab to the torso failed to puncture even the outer tissue of skin. Delort cleared the crossbar by some margin and… well, that was about it until the 84th minute. When Riera cleared the crossbar again.

But that’s not all. In the penultimate minute of the game, with the ball careering around the Huddersfield area, Emyr Huws lets rip and… clears the crossbar. Hmm, I’m noticing a worrying pattern here, and I’m not talking about my hotel room curtains (though I wish I was).

“That’s what you get for not taking your chances.”

Hey, Statman! Back for your vegetable doughnuts? You can’t miss ’em – they’re in the pantry next to the wide open space reserved for countless absent away points. Still, the post-international drought is ended and nobody caught a cold. Up to now. And I do believe the emergency loan window is open for over a month yet, eh Statto?

…Statto? Oh dear, he left two minutes ago. I would say I’m forced to use Wikipedia for fact checking again, but ‘facts’ or ‘checks’ aren’t in the JWAW dictionary. Unfortunately, it seems relatively uneventful 0-0 away draws most definitely are.

Second opinion

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Are you a tin of salty branded luncheon meat? *