Wigan 5-0 Colchester: Christmas tape, here we come

Gary Caldwell’s Fan Site Q&A was far too serious for JWAW’s liking. Where were the soundbites for our annual Christmas tape of blunders and general humorous comments? At this rate, I’ll have to request an audience with Mike Pollitt – I get the feeling you could comfortably fill an eight-hour VHS longplay cassette with his ruminations and general commentary. Oh, to hear him take the mic for WISH FM of a Saturday afternoon…

Caldwell_Pollitt

The above comment *was* brought up in the Q&A, admittedly at my request. I wanted to know whether Polly would be punished for the blatant time wasting activities that led to his red card at Gigg Lane on Saturday.

Everybody wants to be a celeb ball boy these days, eh?

Henry Blofeld is God

Any excuse to use this photo again!

Which brings me to the subject of that b-boy in the north west corner this afternoon. Was he indeed the ‘Fat Barstool’ Ball Boy of Legend, returning for a hand in Latics’ first goal? This blogger would like to think so – though subtle, his contribution was certainly noticeable to those with a Henry Blofeld-esque penchant for the minutiae of off-the-pitch activity. As he quickly tossed the ball back for a Latics throw-in, attacking momentum was maintained just long enough for Donervon Daniels to prod through a scrambling Jamie Jones from shorter than short range. A primer; a sighter. Gulp.

And what remained of the Colchester keeper’s fortune was soon to depart on the crowded 3:11 to Powersville. Though Our Max will claim the goal, it was definitely a luckless defender’s limb that sent the ball looping high beyond the floodlights and into the extreme corner of the North Stand net. Yep, the *one* spot no goalkeeper that isn’t Stretch Armstrong could scratch.

At this point, one felt that almost any attempt on goal could feasibly have rebounded over the line… mostly because this was actually happening. Moments later, when Daniels fired tentatively in the general direction of fourteen legs, the ball cruelly crept inside a despondent Jones’ left hand post. This was almost inhumane, and you wished the ref would call an early halt just fourteen minutes into the game… but of course, you knew that could never happen.

Doki Doki Yanic

(It’s an esoteric subheading, I know. I ran out of panic puns. Please send me more!)

The game resumed with Yanic Wildschut continuing to outpace, outmuscle and outeverything all in his beaten path. In fact, the term ‘contest’ was already long excised from the commentators’ vernacular when Billy Grigg gleefully converted David Perkins’ cut back to precious goal difference. Thankfully, Griggsy didn’t attempt the Jacobs-Power ‘leaf blower up your kilt’ Highland Fling celebration or he might have bashed his elbow again.

Wigan concourse Windows 7

The East Stand Concourse Half Time Show is sponsored by Windows 7. Hey, can we get teletext on those TVs?

All this excitement was far too much for some – the Colchester drummer beat (hyuk) a hasty exit before it could get any worse.

And shortly after the start of the second half came a frenzied tannoy announcement: “This is a message for Alberto Fortesque III [name changed to protect identity]: your girlfriend has gone into labour”. ‘Time to go,’ as the East Stand so helpfully suggested. I mean, hey, at least the game was already over… and at least his name wasn’t Alberto Fortesque.

Time for one more? Yew betcha. Well, there may have been time for two, but sub Grant Holt was caught aiming at the ball girl behind the goal instead of Jamie Jones’ net when gifted a free bite of irresistible cow pie. Which was fairly atypical at this point, as the visitors had seemingly recovered their defensive prowess.

…But it was all mere illusion. Bilbo Grigg would have his brace, and the hosts would have their fifth, a scarily accurate chip into that part of the goal that only Stretch Armstrong might have reached, had his arm not already fallen from its socket when retrieving ball from net a third time. Gah, they really should employ a ball boy to do that stuff in this day and age.

Entertainment? Pah!

How can anything so one sided be the least bit entertaining? Harrumph, I’m returning my season ticket to the DW office first thing Monday morning.

Oh, and I wasn’t joking about that ‘Christmas tape’ – if Cap’n Calds keeps up his quotable streak, I think we’ll be seeing a lot of Paul Kendrick’s Tweets in the month of December. Keep a third eye out for that suitably special seasonal blog post!

And if the high-scoring games continue, I’ll be forced to rent more teletext space to print the goalscorers. Say goodbye to the Windows Half Time Show (pictured above right)… here comes Latifax!

[Correction] Wigan 5 (FIVE) Colchester 0 | Billy Giggs 87

Second opinion

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