Is your team still under-performing? Are you hunting for crusty morsels in the darkest depths of the cockpit they call the relegation zone? Hopelessly toiling for a formation that will scrape you just enough points to try again next year?
Then, good sir, you are in dire need of Soccercheats.con’s Championship tips and cheats guide. Read on for instant solutions to each and every one of your management problems.*
*Disclaimer: ’solutions’ are likely to exacerbate your woeful situation. Always refer to small print, which is available at the low price of £9.99 and a packet of plastic-flavoured chips (with spork).
Draw every game 0-0
On the title screen, hit I, M, N, E, J, I & T before the chocolate statue of Dave Whelan appears. If performed correctly, you should hear Graham Lovett scream ‘ooh, I think we’ve got a goal… wait, no we haven’t’. All goals will be wiped from the final scorecard of every single match, guaranteeing you a point each time.
Note: do not use this cheat for cup matches, as a single 898-898 (abandoned) penalty shootout will force all players in your squad to retire instantly.
The next Will Grigg
In the chat dialogue box, type ‘PIGSCANFLY’ to transform David Perkins into a 10-star centre forward with a new height of seven feet two inches and a shooting accuracy of 99.9%. Now make the most of your newfound superstar before AC Milan activate his £20.01 release clause.
The Titus effect
Instead of fielding Dan Burn at centre back, place him in a striker’s position. This way, his one mistake per game will almost never cause you to concede. Furthermore, you will raise his value, since all strikers are worth far more than defenders. Sell him for £2million+ and repeat with Craig Morgan.
This is quite useless, but fun nonetheless. On the manager stats screen, hold the analogue stick left until you develop a throbbing blister on your thumb. When you hear a disgruntled spectator in ES6 shout ‘moooooove’, immediately play an exhibition game. You will notice that your manager is now wearing Hawaiian shorts and shades despite the match’s snowy conditions.
Win the FA Cup
Bring up the transfer market screen. Now sign Ben Watson, Antolin Alcaraz, Arouna Kone and Joel Robles. Then make bids for Callum McManaman, Roger Espinoza, Paul Scharner…
Get a million quid
Press 0937495-8470947 on your telephone keypad and ask Grandad for ‘some spending money’. Within 24 hours, £1million will fall through your letterbox, one crisp new £5 note (complete with picture of chocolate Mr Whelan on the reverse) at a time.