July 15, 2024

The name’s Nosey Barstool, private investigator and St Helens Chain Smoker of the Year 1948-1954.

Shortly after I voluntarily withdrew from the case of Jordi Gomez’s missing beard, I was assigned the task of ascertaining exactly where Gary Caldwell buys his sweaters. Please don’t ask me who the client is because I have forgotten his name and telegraph number.

Having gained entry to the DW Stadium manager’s office via a cleverly concealed garbage chute, I discovered a manual entitled Roberto’s Big Book of Defensive Fallacies Vol III sitting unshredded in Caldwell’s waste paper basket. Here are the contents of page 302, which was thrice bookmarked with luminous pink sticky notes and a foil pie tray folded in two:


Game name: Six yard box chicken
No. of players: At least three

How to play:

One player is the goalkeeper. He must retain the ball in his six yard area for as long as possible before passing to a second player, the defender. This defender must then roll the ball directly between the goalkeeper and a third player, the attacker.

Both the defender and attacker must then skip towards each other with arms flailing wildly, all while the goalkeeper performs a perfect step-for-step rendition of popular West End stompfest Michael Fatley’s Lord of the Plants.

Further players may take part, but are required to stand at the edge of the penalty area stretching like Mr Olympia contestants and grunting like Anna Kournikova with whooping cough.

The game ends wh-

[Remainder of page obscured by suspicious green stain]


I write to inform you that I will be ceasing my current investigation with immediate effect. This is because it is common knowledge that Gary Caldwell buys his jumpers from [high/low street clothing outlet removed]. I nevertheless enclose an invoice totalling £1500 for provision of my totally useless services.

Nosey Barstool Esq.
Strangeways Prison, 10 October 2016

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