Why Sam Morsy’s sweatband is magical

It has yet to be placed on the list of banned headgear alongside bowler hats, feather bonnets and those baseball caps with helicopter blades you see in Looney Tunes cartoons. Amazing!

It’s made from the fabric of Paul Daniels’ most successful magic hat. Morsy is never short of emergency handkerchiefs, coloured thimbles or playing cards during a football match, Monopoly tournament or naturalist volleyball party. Marvellous!

It masks the fact the barber keeps messing up his haircuts. Currently his head resembles a Battenberg underneath that bandanna of lies. Delicious!

It makes him easy to identify. Except when he’s playing against a certain Czech goalkeeper with an equally natty item of headwear… oh, what was his name again? Better check…

It smells of year-old sock cheese soup. Defenders daren’t wander within ten feet lest their nostrils be tainted forevermore. Stinktacular!

It makes him completely immune to bookings. Against Brentford, Morsy hacked down a breaking attacker and even tripped the referee without being pencilled into Jimmy Adcock’s little notepad of naughty children. Astounding!

It grants him unlimited ammunition in his fight against FOXHOUND on Shadow Moses Island. Oh sorry, maybe I’m thinking of Solid Snake’s bandanna there. Still, impressive!

It allows him to channel the spirit of Boris ‘Headband’ Becker. This is quite useless in football matches, but does allow him to break into German conversation at random intervals. Wunderbar!

It makes him look like Paul McCartney c. 1968. This prompts a cacophony of screaming fangirls that temporarily deafens all other players. Morsy’s headband greatly reduces this noise, allowing him to score while the others writhe in agony. Groovy!

It has been possessed by the spirit of Jamie Vardy’s bandage. The Leicester striker’s magical armwear has been rendered completely ineffective since its powers transferred to the superlative sweatband. Supernatural!

It is actually a mind control device. There exists an identical headband worn by World Football Manager Champion Lumme Baygo, who is remotely directing Morsy’s actions by sending electrical impulses to his brain. Incredible!

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