Warning: This article contains references to Wigan Athletic’s catastrophic 2014-15 season. If you do not wish to recover heavily repressed memories – look away now. Also: do not read the previous sentence. Gaetan Bong, you are now and forever a Wigan Athletic legend. Not necessarily for your footballing achievements, but the fact your name bears…
79 inches. If you want to beat that, you’ve got a lot of early morning stretches to complete. Competition is stiff – Dan Burn has already reached that height and is growing by the day. Like Pinnochio’s habile hooter, his legs increase in length with every attacker he folds neatly into a small envelope contained…
Isn’t it odd how these ‘alternative’ match ‘highlights’ only seem to appear after scoreless exercises in footballing endurance? They’re like marathon games of Scrabble without a points system, board, letter tiles or pencil. With Wayne Rooney and David Beckham. Well, I can reveal that it’s no coincidence – take away the actual highlights and you’re…
Oh, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. As Wigan’s major conspiracy debunkist, I am happy to confirm that all sightings of ‘crazed clowns’ in the local area are hideous fabrications by (un)popular hamburglar outlets. Reports that Marouane McFellaini ‘turned evil’ are erroneous – he has simply returned to his favourite bench in Salford for Bovril…
The name’s Nosey Barstool, private investigator and St Helens Chain Smoker of the Year 1948-1954. Shortly after I voluntarily withdrew from the case of Jordi Gomez’s missing beard, I was assigned the task of ascertaining exactly where Gary Caldwell buys his sweaters. Please don’t ask me who the client is because I have forgotten his…
It was a time for new heroes. A time for previously vilified blunderers and largely unheralded strike partners to rise through the ranks of comfortable mediocrity to instant fanboy fodder. A time for legendary knights of lore to return from exile in deepest Lancastria, softening the hardest of conscientious objectors. A time to stick a…
The name’s Nosey Barstool, Private Investigator. I have been assigned a curious case concerning the disappearance of one Jordi ‘Gordon’ Gomez’s luxurious beard, which went missing on the morning of Friday 23rd September. The following data was collected with two remote controlled drones positioned above the Wigan Athletic training ground in Euxton, Chorley on Monday…
“Why hello, Chief. You’re where? I’ll be there right away!” So goes the exact same conversation between Inspector Caldwell and David O. Sharpe at precisely 7:42 every morning. Ordinarily, the latter is stationed in some far flung part of the United States of Kingdom, perhaps the wonderful Weetabix sandwich factory in balmy Basingstoke. Or maybe…
“Oh, it was great fun heading down to Preston in the caravan each year – I loved the amusement arcades filled with barely functional Out Run cabinets missing their acceleration buttons. But most of all I enjoyed the never-ending beaches dotted with overzealous ice cream salesmen and geriatric donkey ride services. “But all of that…
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the future of televised soccerball in the United States of Kingdom: Friday Nite Footbawwwl™! (Portable smoke machines kick into ‘Super Pink Floyd’ mode. Cut to studio exterior for commencement of a minute-long firework display complete with double dubstep and chip [s]hop soundtrack.) The way forward is clearly the past –…
Come on, you have to admit it’s hilarious. I’m still laughing four days later, and I’ll probably be chuckling about it in four years. Since it will be immortalised in [Insert ZZZ-list celebrity here]’s Xmas Crackers DVD compilation of crazy ‘cock’ ‘ups’, I can relive that moment in glorious slightly-above-standard-definition for as long as I…
“An away draw is worth 30,000 Championship points. And free pie and peas at half time.” …So goes the Ancient Wiganese proverb, the revered Law of the Beamback. Though this may at first seem erroneous, Statman’s trusty exercise book seems to indicate that ‘beamed back’ Latics matches are three and a half times as tough…