Jesus Was a Wiganer

Tag: Match reports

  • Huddersfield 1 Wigan 2: Tools of cruel deceit

    That’s it, I’m done forever. I hereby renounce my faith in statistics, and encourage anyone with a fondness for this gentle sport to do the very same. Say it along with me now: “I refuse to analyse football in a mathematical or scientific manner. I will no longer attempt to quantify the patently unquantifiable, nor […]

  • Barnsley 0 Wigan 0: Scamster’s paradise

    At present, Wigan Athletic Football Club is a clickbaiter’s dreamland. Ever been irritated by those seemingly fabricated headlines staining the sidebar of prominent Latics news sources? In recent times, they have become pants-splittingly real. “What Roberto Martinez is doing now will shock you.” “Man United ace on his way to the DW?” “Former Blues manager […]

  • Wigan 0 Reading 3: Car Park King trumps ‘New Manager Bonus’

    Move over, Burger King – this is the age of the Car Park King. That may sound like the punchline to a teatime-friendly Richard Whiteley ‘joke’ (mostly because it is). But the modern practice of unearthing monarchs buried beneath supermarket car parks has a direct correlation with footballing success. Leicester’s recent Premier League triumph? Well, […]

  • Cardiff 0 Wigan 1: Figuratively speaking

    Cardiff 0 Wigan 1: Figuratively speaking

    Ah, the solution is at hand! Is it any great coincidence that Captain Gareth B. ‘Kop Conqueror’ Caldwell was sacked on World Pasta Day, of all moderately amusing food-related pseudo-holidays? Picture, if you will, the scene in Rigalettos on a mildly mild Octember evening… Sharpy: How can you order anything but farfalline on this most […]

  • Wigan 0 Brighton 1: Gullverised

    In he strides, brazen as a drunken nudist with a flashy new haircut. He carefully selects a single packet of rust flavoured corn snacks from the shelf before spinning on the spot and winging his way to safety within seconds, ill gotten gains secured for another day. This is the life of Gary the Gull, […]

  • Leeds 1 Wigan 1: Football League Oneupmanship

    79 inches. If you want to beat that, you’ve got a lot of early morning stretches to complete. Competition is stiff – Dan Burn has already reached that height and is growing by the day. Like Pinnochio’s habile hooter, his legs increase in length with every attacker he folds neatly into a small envelope contained […]

  • Wigan 0 Burton 0: The Road to Wigan Pierrot

    Oh, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. As Wigan’s major conspiracy debunkist, I am happy to confirm that all sightings of ‘crazed clowns’ in the local area are hideous fabrications by (un)popular hamburglar outlets. Reports that Marouane McFellaini ‘turned evil’ are erroneous – he has simply returned to his favourite bench in Salford for Bovril […]

  • Brentford 0 Wigan 0: Knights of Lancastria

    It was a time for new heroes. A time for previously vilified blunderers and largely unheralded strike partners to rise through the ranks of comfortable mediocrity to instant fanboy fodder. A time for legendary knights of lore to return from exile in deepest Lancastria, softening the hardest of conscientious objectors. A time to stick a […]

  • Wigan 2 Wolverhampton Wanderers 1: Wowsers!

    “Why hello, Chief. You’re where? I’ll be there right away!” So goes the exact same conversation between Inspector Caldwell and David O. Sharpe at precisely 7:42 every morning. Ordinarily, the latter is stationed in some far flung part of the United States of Kingdom, perhaps the wonderful Weetabix sandwich factory in balmy Basingstoke. Or maybe […]

  • Preston 1 Wigan 0: The Road to Preston Pier

    “Oh, it was great fun heading down to Preston in the caravan each year – I loved the amusement arcades filled with barely functional Out Run cabinets missing their acceleration buttons. But most of all I enjoyed the never-ending beaches dotted with overzealous ice cream salesmen and geriatric donkey ride services. “But all of that […]