Living a life of luxury at the DW Stadium has spoiled us somewhat. I miss the days of standing out on the urine-soaked, cramped terraces, blokes blowing smoke in your face and spilling beer on your brand new bright white jacket when a goal is scored. Well maybe not for those reasons, but the general banter of 2,000 fans squeezed into a 1,000-capacity terrace.
When you are so tightly packed you can lift your feet off the ground, you can’t help but overhear every little snarky comment made by those wannabe Charlie Brookers. I am thinking of starting a television programme dedicated to these kinds of people, but until I persuade Channel 5 to give me financial backing, this little list will have to suffice.
From the John Askey Terrace…
“They’ve run out of hot dogs at the concession wheelbarrow!” — Funnily enough, they had loads of pies left. Who’d have believed it, eh?
“Gomez has the turning circle of an elephant.”
“He scores ‘cos he’s poop*, Jordi Gomez, he scores ‘cos he’s poop!” — In response to the above comment (*insert rude word rhyming with kite)
“There’s only one Pink Iguana!” — Reference to Roman Golobart’s Twitter nickname
A chant about cold chips, met with an audible ‘what?’ from elsewhere in the stand.
“Look at them lot over there in the posh seats!” — Regarding Wigan fans in the covered stand
“He [Fraser Fyvie] has found his level, then.”
“He can’t understand you, he doesn’t speak English!” — After at least a minute of ‘Joel, give us a wave’ bore no fruit
The greatest cheer of the day for the local brass band at half time. “We love you brass band, we do…”
“…You’re going to hee-ell, you just booked Jesus, you’re going to hell!” — When Roger East showed Espinoza a yellow card
“Come back Mauro, all is forgiven…”
Not sure I agree with that last one, but you have to admit he does have an incredible goalscoring record away from home in cup competitions. Ah well, we’ve probably seen the last of the Ten Million Dollar Man now, so I’ll have to find someone else to take the mick out of.