So Portugal took the Euro 2016 trophy. So the limping Ronaldo took all credit as he wept, partially through pain but mostly the joy of victory.
So far, so utterly predictable, humdrum, run of the mill, ordinary, beige and any other semi-descriptive term callously ripped from the ancient stone tablets of our prehistoric thesaurus (rex).
Actual football is thoroughly overrated, which is why we at All Gone Latics have selected our own irrelevant and irreverent figures of the European Championships in 2016AD. Because they’re much easier to write about than an Ian Wright meltdown.
(I did agree with everything Wrighty said, incidentally. Let’s see how long this video lasts on YouTube.)
Cristiano Ronaldo (Pantomime Villain, Portugal)
Oh, you think the aforementioned Ronnie is listed here because of his footballing prowess? Or perhaps the fact he backed his £1,000,000 sports car into his garage wall while possessed by a demonic 15-year-old? (It’ll make sense if you’ve seen this.)
We’ll give you one more guess.
While he has (probably) been one of the footballing figureheads of Euro 2016, we are more appreciative of Adoo Ronron’s finely honed stand-up routine.
When the 25th century’s digital archaeologists uncover evidence of the Portugal-Austria group match, they will immediately reach for a box of Megaspace Kleenex 2400 to nurse their leaking eyeballs, for his performance was pure footballing comedy of Harpo Marx proportions.
Cristobel began the evening grinning like a madman, but ended it stomping like an enraged bull with a deep wedgie as chance after penalty after header was squandered or disallowed in farcical olde time music hall fashion. And it was magnificent to behold!
Ronaldo brand undies: manufactured with school bullies in mind. Kerchinnng!
Boasting a shots-to-goals conversion rate worse than Julius Aghahowa’s (but not Harry Kane-Henderson’s), Ronald McMoanald flamboyantly prances his way to the top of our list.
Will Grigg (Benchwarmer, Northern Ireland)
Bias? What bias?
He mightn’t have managed a single minute of competitive play, but Wigan Athletic’s own Will Griggson-Fire had the biggest impact of any player on the first half of these Euros.
It makes sense that a lethargic version of the Zulte Waregem ‘oooh, ahh’ chant (you know, the one that makes it sound as though you’re being punched repeatedly in the gut and face) would overtake Grigg’s own chart-terrifying musical effort. And in case you were wondering, I am indeed referring to that highly memorable Icelandic overhead exhale-clap aerobic exercise here.
Less of the ‘ahh’ and more of the ‘ooh’. (c)Getty
But before that craze took Europe’s supermarket aisles by storm, the ‘Will Grigg’s on Fire’ rhyme united our continent in a way no Ryder or Mosconi Cup victory ever could. It was no longer Newcastle United’s chant, nor was it Wigan’s or indeed Northern Ireland’s. Like Three Lions before it, the song became public domain and a license to print five pound notes for… whoever wrote the original.
Trace the scorch marks that lead from central France to north west England and you will eventually find Griggsy, sat munching on genuine French reheated croissants and listening to 35 copies of the song that bears his name. He bought it ‘as many times as he could’, presumably to spite Radio One or something.
Corry Evans (Zangief Wannabe, Northern Ireland)
How often can you simultaneously clean out two burly Welshmen and get away with it? At least once, it would seem.
When selecting moments of the tournament, it would be a Hodgson-esque mistake to overlook the Corry Evans Street Fighter tackle that rendered Wales’ Ashley and Jonathan Williams (no relation, probably) unconscious for a good minute.
Best of all, referee Martin Atkinson found the whole incident so rib-ticklingly humorous that he totally forgot to rule an infringement of any sort!
He also neglected to allocate sufficient stoppage time for the clash, but that’s another story. Our finest investigative minds are currently hard at work finding the three-and-a-half hours of missing injury time at Euro 2016. But as I say, that’s for another (perhaps non-existent) day.
Simone Zaza (Roadrunner, Italy)
The so-called ‘penalty’ that killed a million blades of grass.
The only Euro 2016 incident funnier than Cristobel Ronaldo’s breakdown.
The moment one man attempted to emulate Max Power’s ‘leaf blower up the kilt Highland Fling’ celebration BEFORE he had actually scored the penalty.
The moment most worthy of a cut-price Hanna-Barbera production.
The moment Simone Zaza regretted lining the inside of his boots with hot coal from Will Grigg’s barbecue.
The one thing (other than Our Ronnie’s moth antics) this tournament will actually be remembered for.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you special permission to enjoy this for the next 30 minutes to 30 days.
Spenge (???, ???)
Hmmm… who is this mysterious gentleman? Could he be related to Joe ‘Sponge Hands’ Hart, perhaps?
Whoever he is, he must be quite good because a lot of flags at this tournament have featured his name. Unless, of course, there is just one flag belonging to a single particularly well-travelled supporter of said player.
…Alright, so Sillypedia tells me Spenge is not a player but a town in north west Germany. However, this geographic location still warrants a place on the list as it far outperformed Harry Kane and the Jordan Hendersons at Euro ’16. Take that, situation comedies featuring men in large ape costumes!
I dunno if this guy is the Spenge in question. Phone in and let us know if you’re Mr Spenge.
If you can think of more significant players or moments, we would love to hear them. But don’t just copy them from social media like we did, eh?
Actually, please do – we’re desperate for comments these days!