July 16, 2024

AKA a sublime chocolate box of random observations from the 2016 European Championships. Will you pull out a Turkish Delight coconut abomination or the triple caramel supreme with double cream? Why not stick in your hand and chance your arm?

Oh yeah, because I put my pet gator Grant in there…

Things overheard during Euro 2016

Hey look, I can see Blackpool Tower from here! — Alan Shearer in the BBC studio, Paris

Grigg would’ve scored that easily. — Everyone in Wigan town centre after any Northern Ireland player missed an opportunity, no matter how difficult.

This would have been more entertaining on Ceefax. — Anonymous on the final

And Cristiano Ronaldo wins Euro 2016! — Cristiano Ronaldo

Artist’s impression of a teletext.

What happens when you leave an instant replay on the worktop for three months?

Why, it grows a thin layer of noxious Lineker cheese, of course. In the BBC’s case, that cheese is the unnecessary crowd sound effects added to their Euro 2016 replays.

Maybe if we wait another three months, that cheese will develop into a healthy layer of green mould, hastened by the canned laughter track they shall add for Match of Day. Which will be presented by Gary Lineker in his undercrackers.

Well, that gives us something to look forward to for the 2016/17 season!

The real source of ‘Reg’ Vardy’s power

vardy bandage
Oh, crap. We forgot to recharge my bandage, boss! 6 days later: Iceland disaster.

Who is Cristiano Ronaldo? Autocorrect Edition

I entered the seemingly unrelated words ‘Cristiano’ and ‘Ronaldo’ into my iPhone in an attempt to solve the mystery of what or who these objects or people are. Autocorrect spat out the following results:

  • Crispy run all dough
  • Chisel Ronseal Aldi dome
  • Chris diablo rig also
  • Crisco Roman row
  • Milano ribald oat
  • Chris T. Winnall though
  • Ronaldinho(!)

And now, the AGL Fantasy Football wooden spoon winners!

Readers of the latest All Gone Latics fanzine will know exactly who claimed the big prizes in our Euro 2016 Fantasy Football league. But since we’re kind individuals (for today at least), we are also offering the entire contents of our waste paper basket — three paper clips and a balled up Twix wrapper — to the following managers:

83746. Mr P Person: HOOLAHAN HOOPS (1 point)
83747. Mrs P Merson: ONME EDSON (1 point)
83748. Mr M Mackey: JESSICA ALABA (0 points)

As for who gets what, you’ll have to decide that among yourselves. We suggest naked mud wrestling in the DW centre circle. In fact, I’ll book you all in for Boxing Day right now!

Merry Christmas.

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