Alternative Match Highlights: Wigan 0 Burton 0

Isn’t it odd how these ‘alternative’ match ‘highlights’ only seem to appear after scoreless exercises in footballing endurance? They’re like marathon games of Scrabble without a points system, board, letter tiles or pencil. With Wayne Rooney and David Beckham.

Well, I can reveal that it’s no coincidence – take away the actual highlights and you’re left with observations staler than that half time pastie you left on the worktop overnight. It would have been alright, but the dog/cat/pig/grue (delete as inappropriate) scoffed all the crusty (best) bits.

Right, before I head off to 101p Bakery for that steak slice I suddenly fancy, here’s Motty Motsworth with those precious ‘lights.

Those flaky observations in full

Fondant

When he isn’t irritating goalkeepers with his dodgy Jasper Carrot impersonations, Adam le Fondre is quite fond of inspecting the DW surface. And I don’t blame him thrusting his face to that turf every 24 seconds, because it does indeed smell of sweet Soccerdome strawberry sweatcake.

…Or maybe he’s just trying to win a cheap foul. Keep tryin’, Addy – you’ll reach Jordi Gomez’s level of foulcraft one day.

Selfie adulation

Saturday’s game was a landmark for Max Power in that it was the first time in 2 years the Scouse Snapchatter has managed a 120-minute spell without posting a single selfie* to his Instatwitterbookfacegram feed.

*Selfie n. inf: literally the act of selling a field (sell-fee)

Agh, Urban Dictionary fails again!

Eat this

Following Wigan Athletic’s glorious promotion to the Hoofball League Championship, Gary Caldwell has invested in a brand new notebook for his in-game message system. The pages are cherry flavoured just in case the evidence must be safely disposed of down a gullet or two.

Once Latics return to the Premier League, Captain Cald will be able to afford a tablet PC… or at the very least, a second hand BBC Micro Model B with teletext adaptor and bootleg copy of Miner Willy in the tape drive.

And free Willy is always great.

Eat these

Graham Barrow’s major contribution to a curmudgeonly contest was a couple of big fingers in the general direction of Robin Park. You may guess he was ordering the usual two post-match cheese and tomato pizzas, but he was actually flicking the v-sign to a fan that had been screaming ‘gerrem forward’ in his left ear since the 2nd minute.

…Or maybe he was ordering two men up front. I dunno about these things, I ain’t a football journalist. But I am a spokesman for Fat Barry’s Pizza, Shevington.

Buy Fat Barry’s pizzas today and get a FREE topping of dead insect mush PLUS all the goodness of rust flakes.

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