Alternative Match Highlights: Wigan 0 Reading 3

None this week. Nope! No highlights whatsoever, regular or “alternative” (previous word to be used in conjunction with physical air quotes), as even media cheesemeister Robert O Martinez would struggle to weave a pleasant narrative.

Only joking! I’ve got 400 words to fill so let’s type semi-indiscriminately and hope the resultant splurge is engaging, but not in a Gnome Chompsky ‘colourless green ideas sleep furiously’ way.

Those mind-numbing moments in full

Jake Buxton hurling himself to the ground just seconds after the first Reading goal. Invisible tortoise on the pitch? He can’t have been zapped by laser vision, as Superman hasn’t been at the DW Stadium for a couple of weeks now…

Luke Burke breaking his backside bone as he fashioned a planet-sized buttcrater in the DW surface. Thank you, Max Power, for the misplaced pass that felled our favourite US actress!

…Wait, I did say Brooke Burke there, didn’t I?

The first half reaching a world record yawns per minute (YPM) rate of 29.7. That ‘groan’ from the stands was actually the sound of 2,000 people yawning simultaneously. Where are the Guinness World Record guys when you need them?

Ali Al Habsi breaking the Solar System record for number of touches in a football match, reaching his 2 millionth by the hour mark. The ex-Tic must also receive credit for creating something from nothing – namely 2 whole minutes (120 seconds) of time wasting-induced first half injury time. That’ll teach him to wave his arms wildly and occasionally point at passing pigeons.

Adam Bogdan failing to save a penalty as some Reading pranksters coated his boots with that stuff they use to keep industrial toffee apples from disintegrating.

Hungry defenders invading Bogdan’s 6-yard box to lick his boots, much to the Bogmaster’s great bemusement. He still has no idea what those meddlesome Reading players did to his Nikeys.

The East Stand roaring uncontrollably as Bog Man executed a textbook-perfect stomach save in second half stoppage time. The poor guys were absolutely determined to have a good time.

The referee mercifully blowing his final whistle five minutes early. Or at least it seemed that way – ES7 was totally deserted by the 86th minute.

~

That’s enough! Since this is just getting silly (or sillier), I’m off to search for kings buried beneath car parks in Wigan. Hey, it worked for Leicester and it’s working for Reading, so why can’t we be next?

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