Oh, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. As Wigan’s major conspiracy debunkist, I am happy to confirm that all sightings of ‘crazed clowns’ in the local area are hideous fabrications by (un)popular hamburglar outlets. Reports that Marouane McFellaini ‘turned evil’ are erroneous – he has simply returned to his favourite bench in Salford for Bovril…
It was a time for new heroes. A time for previously vilified blunderers and largely unheralded strike partners to rise through the ranks of comfortable mediocrity to instant fanboy fodder. A time for legendary knights of lore to return from exile in deepest Lancastria, softening the hardest of conscientious objectors. A time to stick a…
“Why hello, Chief. You’re where? I’ll be there right away!” So goes the exact same conversation between Inspector Caldwell and David O. Sharpe at precisely 7:42 every morning. Ordinarily, the latter is stationed in some far flung part of the United States of Kingdom, perhaps the wonderful Weetabix sandwich factory in balmy Basingstoke. Or maybe…
“Oh, it was great fun heading down to Preston in the caravan each year – I loved the amusement arcades filled with barely functional Out Run cabinets missing their acceleration buttons. But most of all I enjoyed the never-ending beaches dotted with overzealous ice cream salesmen and geriatric donkey ride services. “But all of that…
Come on, you have to admit it’s hilarious. I’m still laughing four days later, and I’ll probably be chuckling about it in four years. Since it will be immortalised in [Insert ZZZ-list celebrity here]’s Xmas Crackers DVD compilation of crazy ‘cock’ ‘ups’, I can relive that moment in glorious slightly-above-standard-definition for as long as I…
“An away draw is worth 30,000 Championship points. And free pie and peas at half time.” …So goes the Ancient Wiganese proverb, the revered Law of the Beamback. Though this may at first seem erroneous, Statman’s trusty exercise book seems to indicate that ‘beamed back’ Latics matches are three and a half times as tough…
I see what ya did there, EFL! And it is certainly the right decision to schedule Sheffield Wednesday v Wigan for sunny, shiny September. Any later and that mischievous Big Man in the Sky is likely to douse the Hillsborough surface with his never-ending salt drink, just like in December 2013. As you may recall,…
On this day in 1883, the mighty Krakatoa volcano erupted, spewing a lethal jelly of hot earth juice and crispy moles across the uninhabited island of Krakatau. At first, it was truly a spectacle to behold. Thrilled inhabitants of neighbouring islands gathered to witness the breathtaking light show, grabbing their 3D glasses and extra large…
“League One is a slice of thrice-iced Victoria sponge. But that passing in your own six yard box stuff simply won’t fly in the cut-throat Championship,” growled Latics Fan A. “Don’t change a darn thing! Confidence in consistency can carry you through a league of any quality,” cried Latics Fan B. “We aren’t sure what…
Around this time every four years, the people of Wigan go sports crazy. Today I saw a bloke dive bomb into his back yard paddling pool and a kid toss a hammer through some poor guy’s fishing net. Yesterday someone lobbed a pool ball from their shoulder into the beer garden, before… well, I won’t…
In just one week’s time, it will be exactly 39 years since NASA launched their Voyager II space probe. Contained within this expensive collection of screws and mirrors is the infamous Golden Record, an analogue catalogue of mankind’s musical endeavour up to and including the space year 1977. Originally, the record was intended to include…
The League Cup has fallen upon desperate times. Following the withdrawal of its plastic cash manufacturing sponsor, it has become destitute, walking the urban jungles completely naked save for a codpiece marked ‘property of the EFL’. But it’s much better this way. Though people initially grimace at the sight of this unkempt Tuesday night beast,…