Derby 0-1 Wigan: Porcus volucer

FA Cup replica

The Gary Lineker Trophy itself. Well, a replica anyway. (c)Gareth Doutch

Aww, is 2013 *really* over now? I didn’t want Wigan’s glorious FA Cup winning year to end. Hmm, this is far too positive, so let me rewind that statement…

Unintelligible backmasked speech: Ckkt… [Satan has a smelly bottom] Pshhkt. [Turn me on, dead man] *Click*

Ahem. Good flipping riddance to 2013, the year Wigan Athletic were cruelly relegated from the Greatest League In The World (c)Barclays. We must dedicate 2014 to ridding ourselves of the Prem’s waste paper basket that is the FA Championship and eradicating all trace of the clueless clown that got us here in the first place. Merrrr!

There, I feel much better now! After that mini-rant, I understand why people visit internet forums – it’s cathartic to post page after page of biased, unresearched drivel with speeling eerors and criminal grammar abuse your average texter would laugh at. Or at least say ‘lol’ with absolutely no semblance of a smile on their face.

Blogs, on the other hand, are completely different. For one thing, they… erm… yeah, I’ll stop wasting time with New Year’s ‘messages’ of dubious merit and move on to what you’re really here for. Wait, what was that again…? Oh yes, the annual JWAW production of Lord of the Dance!

This is it?

Michael Jackson 1984

His other hand is nursing a rather delicate injury.

As the game got underway, a good slice of the 835 (source: Derby Official) meat ‘n’ tater-fuelled Latics supporters were in tune for a commendable New Year’s rendition of the Waregem ‘Oooh Ahh’ thingy. We shall have to find a proper name for that if we plan on adding it to our long term repertoire. How about ‘Man Being Punched in the Gut Repeatedly’?

Those with a 31-day memory might remember that Ivan Ramis made his glorious (cough) return to the first team in this very fixture on 1 December last year. Here is a full report of his activities this afternoon: he ran around for half an hour before performing an uncannily accurate Michael Jackson impersonation, screeching at the top of his voice while grasping his groin. Sadly, his acting was a bit too method for it to be part of ‘the show’, and indeed he wandered gingerly towards the bench never to return. Bah. Oh well, fancy some New Year’s crushed nuts?

Hmm? Oh yeah, the game. Wait, what game? Pride Park mostly witnessed a first-half House of Lords-esque political bickerfest. Nick Powell did add another Christmas (yellow) card to his collection, which he has since had framed and hung in his toilet next to those character soaps he won in a raffle ten years ago. But as Wigan’s goal drought edged from ‘seat shuffling’ to ‘eye watering’ proportions, David Webb decided it was time to squeeze some half time lemons. “Bitter?” “No thanks, I’m driving.”

Thank you, I’m here until Monday.

Normally after a goalless half you’d expect the second 45 to be more intense, but on the evidence of Wigan’s previous two games, I wouldn’t have made the effort to log in to eejitbet.com. Mostly because I own that site and the only winner would be the tax man. By the way, visit Eejitbet today and get a free bet on Man Utd being relegated worth… absolutely nothing!

However, the pleasing introduction of Callum McManaman would help facilitate the rarest of events – a Jean Beausejour goal. Wait, what? (Rubs eyes)

Flying pig Pride Park

Jean Beausejour scores at Pride Park.

Yes. it seems to be true that Jean Beausejour squeezed his strike into the top left corner, though I was not there so photographic evidence is required. In any case, this blatant disrespect for the pre-designated 0-0 scoreline was not tolerated by the hosts, who responded by charging up Hammer killer Conor Sammon. Yeeesss…

Sorry, I drifted into one of my nostalgic daydreams there. But County squandered a glorious 83rd minute opportunity to assert their dominance – goodness knows how Jake Buxton did not spring a surprise on the prostrate Al Habsi. Hahah, spring! Look, Mum, I made an intelligent joke! Can I have a biscuit now?

Chris Martin might possibly have had me scribbling down Coldplay-related headlines with a worthy equaliser, but he, too steered the ball narrowly wide. Unfortunately for Derby, Michel Platini has yet to pass his proposed ‘chances win matches’ law – that is due to be introduced for the start of next season, so ready your complaining quill.

Is that transfer window open yet? It might be a good idea to extend Jean’s contract before he heads off to Liverpool…

Second opinion

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