The name’s Nosey Barstool, Private Investigator. I have been assigned a curious case concerning the disappearance of one Jordi ‘Gordon’ Gomez’s luxurious beard, which went missing on the morning of Friday 23rd September.
The following data was collected with two remote controlled drones positioned above the Wigan Athletic training ground in Euxton, Chorley on Monday 26th September. They flew for precisely 46 minutes before being shot down with an automatic table tennis serving machine shortly after 10am.
Could Jake Buxton have ‘borrowed’ Jordi Gomez’s beard? Certainly, the burly blocker’s chinfluff seems much thicker than usual this week – a mere coincidence, or did he callously remove every last beard wig from J-Go’s open locker?
Is Gomez’s goatee lost in a time warp that swallowed at least 35 minutes of the Preston game, floating amongst half-peeled football stickers and Premier League Pogs somewhere around 1995? Gaz Caldwell did mention he dropped a Championship point or three down there.
Did Jordi take one look at Adam Bogdan’s burgeoning neck squirrel, instantly scream ‘there’s no beating that’ (in Spanish), and spend a whole night plucking every last hair from his finely chiselled jaw? That would explain why Gomez appeared a touch red-eyed (and why Bog Man seemed overly smug) at Deepdale.
Perhaps there are plans to regrow the Gomez beard for charity, possibly as part of a wider fun day at the DW Stadium? Maybe Dan Burn will offer to lock himself in a pillary while punters toss mouldy oven bottoms at him for £1 a go (50p extra for tiger rolls)?
Or did our one man Spanish Armada simply take a mid-afternoon siesta on the DW pitch, waking to find a myopic groundsman had mowed his beard along with the grass?
Here, the trail goes cold. My employer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, can no longer afford to pay me in brown sauce sachets from his local tapas restaurant. Though these two facts are purely coincidental, I must end my involvement in this case with immediate effect.
27 September 2016
PS. For reference, please find enclosed Jordi Gomez’s missing beard hairs. Don’t tell anyone I gave them to you, OK?