Two short years ago, the Championship was a ruddy tough league. So what does that make it now? A voracious beast fuelled by a gruesome stew of broiled fifty pence pieces and minced five pound notes? Each of its seven mutant legs commits a foul simultaneously, and a bleary-eyed, damp-groined referee daren’t penalise a single…
Felicitations! I am Donald Perkins, not to be confused with a certain Wigan Athletic soccerist that happens to share my initial and surname. But much like my near namesake, I am indeed a master of the fine and ancient martial art known as booking fu. I have dedicated the past 30 years of my life…
Phew, I’m finally back at the ‘office’! Please excuse the cartoon-esque marks on my clothes and scruffiness of my hair. Also apologies for the lateness of this ‘report’ – I have only just arrived back in Wigan after being rerouted via Rainford, Liverpool Lime Street, Southport and Preston train stations. That bridge collapse at Wigan…
“Football is a simple game, complicated by idiots in newspaper articles.” – Bill Shankly (paraphrased) It’s all over, ladies and gentlemen. When Dave-o Sharpe dispatched Gary ‘Kop Conqueror’ Caldwell with his final Rigalettos doggy bag, the Martinez line of succession officially ended. With the remaining branches finally hacked from Roberto’s family tree, a thrilling era…
That’s it, I’m done forever. I hereby renounce my faith in statistics, and encourage anyone with a fondness for this gentle sport to do the very same. Say it along with me now: “I refuse to analyse football in a mathematical or scientific manner. I will no longer attempt to quantify the patently unquantifiable, nor…
That’s not the title of an educational video game for the Apple II and Amstrad CPC, but the latest in a series of puzzlers fit for Wigan Latics’ Christmas fun and games annual. Just where on earth could those mischievous goal-hangers Will Grigg (codename Wilberforce Griggson-Fire) and Adam Le Fondre (codename ‘ALF’) be hiding? Since…
At present, Wigan Athletic Football Club is a clickbaiter’s dreamland. Ever been irritated by those seemingly fabricated headlines staining the sidebar of prominent Latics news sources? In recent times, they have become pants-splittingly real. “What Roberto Martinez is doing now will shock you.” “Man United ace on his way to the DW?” “Former Blues manager…
None this week. Nope! No highlights whatsoever, regular or “alternative” (previous word to be used in conjunction with physical air quotes), as even media cheesemeister Robert O Martinez would struggle to weave a pleasant narrative. Only joking! I’ve got 400 words to fill so let’s type semi-indiscriminately and hope the resultant splurge is engaging, but…
“CORRECTION: Wigan Athletcc 5 (FIVE) Prest#n 0Jasob Robarts 903mins %%%” Last Sunday I shed a small block-shaped tear. 23rd October 2016 marked precisely 4 barren years since the day Internet yuppies callously killed our good friend Ceefax in cold pixellated blood. No more would we stare upon its up-to-the-minute football updates, anxiously hoping against every…
Move over, Burger King – this is the age of the Car Park King. That may sound like the punchline to a teatime-friendly Richard Whiteley ‘joke’ (mostly because it is). But the modern practice of unearthing monarchs buried beneath supermarket car parks has a direct correlation with footballing success. Leicester’s recent Premier League triumph? Well,…
Ah, the solution is at hand! Is it any great coincidence that Captain Gareth B. ‘Kop Conqueror’ Caldwell was sacked on World Pasta Day, of all moderately amusing food-related pseudo-holidays? Picture, if you will, the scene in Rigalettos on a mildly mild Octember evening… Sharpy: How can you order anything but farfalline on this most…
In he strides, brazen as a drunken nudist with a flashy new haircut. He carefully selects a single packet of rust flavoured corn snacks from the shelf before spinning on the spot and winging his way to safety within seconds, ill gotten gains secured for another day. This is the life of Gary the Gull,…