At present, Wigan Athletic Football Club is a clickbaiter’s dreamland. Ever been irritated by those seemingly fabricated headlines staining the sidebar of prominent Latics news sources? In recent times, they have become pants-splittingly real. “What Roberto Martinez is doing now will shock you.” “Man United ace on his way to the DW?” “Former Blues manager…
None this week. Nope! No highlights whatsoever, regular or “alternative” (previous word to be used in conjunction with physical air quotes), as even media cheesemeister Robert O Martinez would struggle to weave a pleasant narrative. Only joking! I’ve got 400 words to fill so let’s type semi-indiscriminately and hope the resultant splurge is engaging, but…
“CORRECTION: Wigan Athletcc 5 (FIVE) Prest#n 0Jasob Robarts 903mins %%%” Last Sunday I shed a small block-shaped tear. 23rd October 2016 marked precisely 4 barren years since the day Internet yuppies callously killed our good friend Ceefax in cold pixellated blood. No more would we stare upon its up-to-the-minute football updates, anxiously hoping against every…
Move over, Burger King – this is the age of the Car Park King. That may sound like the punchline to a teatime-friendly Richard Whiteley ‘joke’ (mostly because it is). But the modern practice of unearthing monarchs buried beneath supermarket car parks has a direct correlation with footballing success. Leicester’s recent Premier League triumph? Well,…
Ah, the solution is at hand! Is it any great coincidence that Captain Gareth B. ‘Kop Conqueror’ Caldwell was sacked on World Pasta Day, of all moderately amusing food-related pseudo-holidays? Picture, if you will, the scene in Rigalettos on a mildly mild Octember evening… Sharpy: How can you order anything but farfalline on this most…
In he strides, brazen as a drunken nudist with a flashy new haircut. He carefully selects a single packet of rust flavoured corn snacks from the shelf before spinning on the spot and winging his way to safety within seconds, ill gotten gains secured for another day. This is the life of Gary the Gull,…
Warning: This article contains references to Wigan Athletic’s catastrophic 2014-15 season. If you do not wish to recover heavily repressed memories – look away now. Also: do not read the previous sentence. Gaetan Bong, you are now and forever a Wigan Athletic legend. Not necessarily for your footballing achievements, but the fact your name bears…
79 inches. If you want to beat that, you’ve got a lot of early morning stretches to complete. Competition is stiff – Dan Burn has already reached that height and is growing by the day. Like Pinnochio’s habile hooter, his legs increase in length with every attacker he folds neatly into a small envelope contained…
Isn’t it odd how these ‘alternative’ match ‘highlights’ only seem to appear after scoreless exercises in footballing endurance? They’re like marathon games of Scrabble without a points system, board, letter tiles or pencil. With Wayne Rooney and David Beckham. Well, I can reveal that it’s no coincidence – take away the actual highlights and you’re…
Oh, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. As Wigan’s major conspiracy debunkist, I am happy to confirm that all sightings of ‘crazed clowns’ in the local area are hideous fabrications by (un)popular hamburglar outlets. Reports that Marouane McFellaini ‘turned evil’ are erroneous – he has simply returned to his favourite bench in Salford for Bovril…
The name’s Nosey Barstool, private investigator and St Helens Chain Smoker of the Year 1948-1954. Shortly after I voluntarily withdrew from the case of Jordi Gomez’s missing beard, I was assigned the task of ascertaining exactly where Gary Caldwell buys his sweaters. Please don’t ask me who the client is because I have forgotten his…
It was a time for new heroes. A time for previously vilified blunderers and largely unheralded strike partners to rise through the ranks of comfortable mediocrity to instant fanboy fodder. A time for legendary knights of lore to return from exile in deepest Lancastria, softening the hardest of conscientious objectors. A time to stick a…